~Since 2004~
A site about memories, thoughts, photos, and unrepentant opinions about motorcycles and motorcycling after four decades of twisting the throttle.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Rumbling Road

The Mrs. and I were winging down the road on the Gold Wing one sunny after afternoon, blue skies, lunch sitting happily in our tummies. Life was good. We chatted and bantered good-naturedly over the intercom about the colors of the old buildings, the shape of the mountains, and assorted aspects of life as semi-newlyweds. The Gold Wing was low on gas but I wasn't.

If you've never ridden a Gold Wing or a similar big bike with a big fairing you may not be aware at how good they are at wind protection, on-coming wind, as in atmospheric wind. That same wind protection creates something of a comparative dead space behind the fairing where resides the rider and passenger. Now, should some noxious odor emanate from the rider, the passenger, given her close proximity to the rider, just might get a whiff.

Now if you've been married for a long time this isn't a big deal, your "humanity" having long since been revealed to your spouse. If you're dating or newly married then that first whiff of your beloved's gastrointestinal emanations can be an embarrassing and uncomfortable moment. He or she isn't perfect after all, as you'd been led to believe. They fart just like other humans do.

Maybe it was the Mexican food I had for lunch, I don't know. It looked harmless enough at the time. A couple of hours into the afternoon ride I began to shift a bit in the seat to get more comfortable and with that slight easing of pressure…well…I ripped one. A big one. The noise was of course drowned out by the sounds of the bike and the road so I thought I would get away with it. No such luck.

Over the intercom came a horrified "Oh my word! Did you fart??"

Seeking to cover my sin, I replied flatly "I think we hit a dead animal or something."

"More likely you ATE a dead animal or something. I'm not fooled!!"

Thinking quickly as we motored along I decided to use the old bromide that "a good offense is the best defense" so I told her smugly "Admit it, you liked it."

"WHAT??"

"It's all perfectly normal, even good" I said trying to sound logical. "Women secretly like men's farts."

"Well I'm a woman and I don't!" She seemed quite emphatic about that so I decided to see if I could wear her down with a barrage of perfectly plausible "historical facts."

"See, my dear, women like men's farts, women are wired that way. It's been that way since caveman times."

"Horsefeathers!"

I leaned the Gold Wing a little deeper into the next curve to scare her a bit and give me time to think. Clearly my little social faux pas was not well received, especially at close range, and I knew that another such a one was on it's way.

"Stop trying to scare me and then explain yourself." The woman is not easily fooled, one wonders how I ever persuaded her to marry me.

"Look" I said, "Women secretly like men's farts. These days it's a subconscious thing but it's absolutely true. It all started eons ago back in caveman times."

"Honey, you've told me about when you belonged to the circus, about human cannonballs, elephants, dead midgets, and being abducted by space aliens outside of Gila Bend. I was happy to accept those stories because I love you but don't expect me to believe that women love men's farts."

"They do, you do" I said earnestly, as if the truth of it all was unassailable.

"Do tell then, explain it all to me…and stop farting, I can tell you still are by the way you shift in the seat."  Oops...

"Women fart too, sweetie."

"No we don’t.  Now explain to yet another cockamamie theory of yours to me "

I decided this wasn't the time to press the point about the universality of flatulence.
"OK, here's the story of why women secretly like men's farts and in fact find them to be an aphrodisiac."

"Oh heavens..."

"It's like this: In caveman times men hunted and women gathered berries and such. A cavewoman with multicolored stains on her face from eating assorted fruits and berries was obviously a good gatherer and therefore attractive to the caveman as she would be a good partner in making and raising cavekids. Hence, the beginning of the evolution of women's make-up which most men still find attractive to some degree on women."

"Oh brother…"

I pressed on.

"Cavemen, on the other hand, had to hunt and kill stuff and of course if one doesn't eat, one doesn't fart. A caveman who farted a lot in the presence of cavewomen was merely showing that he was well fed as a result of being a good hunter and therefore a good provider. This..uh..scent...therefore, was actually an attraction to cavewomen who wanted a mate who could provide well for them and any future cavekids.

In modern times the farting of a well fed man still means that he eats well and in fact subliminally, after thousands of years of social evolution, women still secretly enjoy and subconsciously respond romantically to the scent of a good, manly fart because they know the fellow is well fed and prosperous. Women will deny this but it's true."  I said that last part with a lofty tone hoping to add a bit of gravitas to the concept.

The intercom was silent for a moment and then the Mrs. said "The story of the elephant and the human cannonball was more plausible. Nice try though."

Later on we stopped to refill the Gold Wing's gas tank. My dear bride headed into the mini-mart and a few minutes later walked out of the store and matter-of-factly handed me a package of antacid tablets. I tried to look hurt but she just rolled her eyes and beginning putting her riding gear back on.

So, gentle 40on2 readers of the male persuasion, especially you single guys, trust me and despite what the ladies say, when rolling down the road with the pillion seat occupied by the fairer sex, fart away because it's actually a secret mating call to the ladies who do indeed long to sit around the campfire as in caveman times and hear farts and belches as those are a sign of a truly happy and healthy family man.

7 comments:

Mike Werner said...

ROFL !!

Pete said...

A most excellent post! My wife is a nurse and will confirm that farting is indeed a sign of good health. I am a big proponent of farting myself and encourage others to fart freely as well.

Crusty's Advise.... said...

As Shrek would say...."better out the in!" Hey, many woman have been persuaded to get their license and their own bike for this very reason. Fart on! -Crusty http://crustythebiker.blogspot.com/

Surly said...

I think she may be ready for the old Dutch Oven, now.

Erik said...

I believe Ben Franklin said it best when he wrote "Fart Proudly".

Sojourner rides said...

Nice try. Funny. I like the Mrs. She's got spunk!

Giest said...

My goodness! I never really knew the history of all this and now feel quite informed. To think, all these years, I've been holding in something that actually improve my love life! Many thanks, Doug...I'm sure things will get better from here on in! :)

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